I Can’t

I sooo can’t.

It’s too much and my mindset is if I need help then a) the workload is too much or b) I’m not up to the task and I am always up to the task…except for when I’m not.

(Disclaimer, this post is fueled by an entire bottle of wine and a heaping spoonful of self-pity.)

We are two weeks into Ray’s recovery from alcoholism his surgery (I would never poke fun at alcoholism but in my current state the word recovery led me to being a shithead) and while he is being a better patient than I ever could have expected, he did pop a stitch which caused a major meltdown in the household.

Did I ever tell you that Julius passed his Canine Good Citizen test?  We weren’t scheduled to take it, but our sensei sprang it on us at graduation and he passed! It lead me to believe we could go further and we have been working on Therapy Dog certification.  We’ve passed the first two exams and have two more observations left but Juli’s biggest stumbling block is … me.

Yesterday on Pack Walk he was excited and pulling and I was frustrated and counter-pulling and being generally pissy until I looped the leash around my shoulder to keep him close.  I then offered treats which he doesn’t usually take during a walk …but he did(!) and began praising him.  The one comment on our test was that I didn’t talk to him enough, so I finally did- I praised and engaged him in our endeavor and it was almost like our trainers knew their stuff…he responded to me.  CLICK!  It’s like he finally knew and understood what I wanted from him because I finally told him.

So, while my housedog recouperates, and is amazing, my world dog and I will continue our work in making me a better person. One who is as good as the one reflected in Juli’s eyes.

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Don’t Fall Over

But after a 6 month hiatus, I’m posting twice in as many days.  While I confessed yesterday to feeling a bit too boring or mundane to write about, obviously Ray’s new legs have brought a new subject up to discuss.

Today was rough.  Very rough.  Actually, let’s roll it back; last night was rough.  Although I didn’t call to check on him, I worried all night.  Why didn’t I call?  Well, I wouldn’t have been able to talk to him and even if I could have, would that have helped?  I doubt it. I’ve already anthropomorphized his fear of being in strange surroundings and disappointment in me for allowing him to sleep overnight at the hospital.  I left him there ALL NIGHT with a painful leg, a painful spine and a lot of strangers.  Today as I was forcing pills down his unwilling throat, he peed himself and his new cushy bed.   I’ve decided it wasn’t because he’d just drank a bowl of water the hour before but because I terrified him in his drugged out state.

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I’ve set up his new digs and already moved it.  We have him in a cozy spot in the family room (or is it the living room? or greatroom?) and I’ll camp out on the sectional so I can be nearby.  I’m glad we bought this comfy thing.  Anyone remember when he, Julius and I were sleeping on dog mats on the living room floor?

The House Shuffle

It’s a pretty open joke that we move.  A Lot.  When we got Ray and then Julius we lived in a house that we had just put an inground pool in.  That was a backyard paradise that kept dog toenails trimmed year-round.  We moved for several reasons, not the least of which was that it was in a different county from where Asia and I worked.  The next house was one of my faves.  It was large and the layout was great for the most part but after a short while multiple trips from the second floor bedrooms to the basement (to clean litterboxes) and back up and down and up and down didn’t make for an easy time on my old joints or on Ray’s.  We (the dogs and I) began camping out on the living room floor on cushy dog mats, plush blankets and sheepskin rugs.  After about 4 months of that we found a sprawling house that was one level and the basement was just extra space.  That’s where we lived when Ray had his first leg surgery, his TTA.  While that place was great and so unique, it wasn’t quite right so after yet another search we ended up here.

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Here, is a lot less flashy from the outside but inside, or rather out back is the magic…a pool, or as I like to call it, a nail trimmer surrounding water.  We are mostly on one level, we’ve downsized, and we are much happier here… for now.  So, yeah, for the next few months, I’ll be sleeping on the sofa within a few feet of my baby while he convalesces and yea, we’ve moved a few times to accommodate his needs, so I ask, what would you do for your heartdog?

Life With Ray

So much begins with Ray (this blog is a good example) and just like this blog, as life happens and change is as fluid as it is inevitable. When I began chronicling this little assembly, Ray was an infant and our kitties, especially Boo Kitty, were not too fond of him. My goal was to share our experiences and leave something of ourselves out there with the hope that maybe we’d help someone else who may be going through some of the same experiences. Little did I realize that sharing is not easy for someone as obsessively private as I am and ultimately I wondered if our daily lives had just become too routine?

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Big Plans

Once upon a time, my hope was that Ray would earn his Canine Good Citizen and be a great ambassador in the community. Sadly this was not in the cards for us as Ray likes his small world. He was definitely not well socialized early and try as I might as we took class after class he learned more “obedience ” but also became steadily more reactive.

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He’s also a “fool me once” kind of guy. He’ll walk into nearly any building but once that place turns out to be the place off surgeries and injections, the challenge was on to find new ways of coaxing him back through said doors.

Bum Leg

A few years ago Ray underwent TTA surgery on his rear left leg. Knowing Ray has an aversion to nearly everything, we were sent home with our own staple removers so that he would be able to skip that visit. Night after night he’d fall asleep in my lap and I’d sneak another staple or two out of his leg until I was finally done and after months of restricted activity, his left leg became his good leg.

Fast forward to this year. Yeah, I should have had the right rear done sooner. It likely should have been done the following year but when you have a dog who has to be drugged to come to the office and anesthetized for vaccines and nail trims, you hold off. You hope it will heal, you lift him onto furniture, you guide him off of furniture and you invest in supplements as well as stock pain relievers.

But this year we noticed a more pronounced limp and at his annual checkup we had x rays taken and his leg was manipulated again. This time the result was that he hasn’t walked (much) on that leg since the summer and while we tried even more drugs the buck finally stopped and Ray-Ray underwent a three hour TPLO and luxating patella surgery to hopefully repair some pretty bad damage to his leg.

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The red circle shows his good knee and proper placement. The blue circle shows where his bad knee is.

What does it take to heal the Ray-Ray, it even to try? Well a lot of help and a lot of understanding. Before our office visit (side note- I tried to schedule the consultation without him being there) I gave him three acepromazine and two composure pros and all that did was take some of the edge off. He was still upright, alert and walking but I did get his muzzle on without a struggle. The tech, with her eyes nearly buggingout of her head wondered why he was still upright. The answer, “ Because he’s Ray.”

The surgeon and tech were so patient and accommodating with us that we get to skip the 2 week check in. I just have to send a video of his walking progress and he’s getting dissolving stitches so no stress there. “Because he’s Ray.”

We do have to do the 8 week check with x rays and that will be another sedation but here’s to hoping all goes smoothly. At this point I’m just worried because Mr Ray has never slept anywhere but home since the day I brought him home. I wish I could curl up in the post op with him but I’ll wait. His little recovery room is all set up for him here and I’m counting the minutes till I can bring him back home.

I’m hopeful because our excellent surgeon is hopeful that this will definitely improve his mobility. He will never be a long home trail dog, but he never has been. Ray is our housedog in every sense. He likes his little world, he loves short and safe walks, he loves visitors and he loves his family.

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Foster Fanny

The moment I saw your picture, my heart skipped a beat and I gasped at your wonderful, thick bulldog-ness.

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I knew I had to meet you and just as certainly I knew that upon meeting you I’d be compelled to foster you, which is exactly what happened.  What I didn’t expect was that you were small and scared.  Someone somewhere had crushed your trust, had made you spare your sweetness from being too present.  The click of a collar, the snap of a leash, both had you cowering, and trembling.  What monster in your past made  you afraid of these simple tools?

A Room of Your Own

We prepared your room and with a painting of the happiest dog in the world to watch over you, we eagerly anticipated the moment when I could bring you home.  We walked out of the shelter together (which never gets old) and I picked your 55 pounds of piggy-ness up and secured you in the car.  At home in your room you sniffed around to every corner, ever so slowly but yet giving me a glimmer of the nosey little girl inside.

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Settling In

The first few days you were still so scared and shy but eager to walk with Big Julius and slowly open to be given treats.

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We cuddled each night and I whispered to you that I would find you a family to love and care for you.  A place where you’d be safe and happy.  While I think you believed me, you and I both knew deep down how much I loved you.  I know you loved me too and we figured we’d be together for a long, long time.

After all, my fosters usually stay a couple of months and you, my dear, were still so afraid of people. People came to visit you and give you treats, but even still with your budding bravery, I was the only one permitted to let you outside. Slow and steady, we continued to work but as we did, the bond grew deeper.  I was hopelessly in love and wondered how much could you grow if I gave you wings with which to fly?  Would my love and protection keep you from growing into the sweet and affectionate little bulldog with whom I snuggled so closely?  What could you do in a home of your own?

Your Family Found You

They applied for a different dog, in fact they applied for two other dogs who weren’t you but after speaking with them I began to suspect that they were to be yours.  We talked about the others and cautiously I then mentioned you.  Perhaps your sweet, gentle, loving soul would capture their hearts and in their home you would blossom.  Perhaps they would sit and look into your expressive gray eyes and you’d paw at them and draw them to you for a Fanny hug.

Well, they wanted to meet you and with no expectations we drove you to meet them.  You were shy, scared, and you trembled, but still your sweet nature still glowed quietly and they saw it.  You took treats from them almost immediately and you approached your new dad.  I’ve never seen you approach a man so quickly.  Before I realized I was ready we were saying our goodbyes, but I don’t do that.  I must stay strong so that you don’t see me cry.  Adoption day is not to be sad and I refuse to let you see my sadness, only see the love.  Never think I left you but always know that I let you go so that I could let you grow.

How did only 18 days become so precious? How did they go so fast? How did you fill a spot in my heart that I didn’t even know existed?

This, my dear Fanny, is not goodbye, but farewell.  It is with a heart filled with love, and with eyes filling with emotion that I say to you that I’m honored to have been chosen to help you heal and I am glad to have been the one to partner with you on this journey.  You, my dear Fanny will have a wonderful life filled with love.

What Gift Could I Give

In all seriousness I ask- what do you get for a dog who wants for nothing? I mean, I’m sure there’s some toy or treat that all the other dogs have that we may be missing out on, but for the most part these Peaceabull blockheads aren’t lacking much. I currently have a small stash of stuffies, bags of untouched treats and even a large bag of antlers held in reserve.

Ray and I have been talking all week, reminiscing about the day he was born. December first six years ago was a stark, snowless day hovering at the 32 degree mark when I received a call about a dog birthing her puppies exposed to the elements. By the time I arrived, three were alive and struggling for warmth while several others had already died. Two more pups would be born in the warmth of rescue while one of the original survivors would succumb to to much exposure. Of the two born in rescue, one was my little piggy. Arriving in this world covered in birthing gunk, my little green guy immediately stole my heart.

While I still had my heart and head set at that time on just fostering older dogs, fate would intervene and this little piggy would become mine.

But really, going back to the original question, certainly there be birthday treats and much celebrating- as much celebrating as this low-key family can muster. But at the end of the day, my gift to Ray and to Julius or rather their gift to others is the gift of time. When I’m home I make sure there is plenty of Mom and Pooch time. We snuggle, we practice our training and cues, we walk and we play. When I’m gone, these boys give up their Mommy so that other block heads can find homes.

So on December first, six years after the birth of my heart dog, I will be spending some time away before the celebration so that this December first can be remembered as another little boy’s special day. Adoption day for John Snow and a very happy birthday to my baby Ray.

As Told by Bryn

Life is pretty good for me now, but my Foster Mama says I’m in a “holding pattern” and that this isn’t actually my home, although it seems pretty darned good to me. It’s definitely better than where I was. This whole year has been full of changes for me and it took a long time before I felt like this place was going to work out. I was in “the shelter” and then I went to several different homes but kept getting returned just for being me and it was making me sad, but Foster Mama says I’m now at the Peaceabull place for a while and I can decompress, whatever that means. 


I used to make lots of babies and because of that my back and my belly were sinking low to the ground and I also had wormys in my heart that made me feel tired all the time. Those things made me do what Mama says is my Eyore pose and it was how I was standing when she met me. The day we met, there were a lot of strange people around and I didn’t know what was going on, so I just stood with my head and my tail dripping from each end toward the ground like the branches on a weepy tree. I let the nice people pet me and lift my feet and look in my ears and other funny things and then I went back to the place from before-The Shelter. I didn’t really like it The Shelter because I got into a fight with a big dog and then everyone said I wasn’t a nice girl anymore and that I was going to be on “The List.” 

 

But then a while later the nice lady who volunteers at The Shelter took me to the Vet and left me there and Foster Mama picked me up and brought me here to the Peaceabull place. I didn’t really know what was going on at first and I wanted to be with Foster Mama and Foster Daddy and I wanted to chase that mean fat cat and hang out with those handsome boy dogs who live behind the gate. I did sneak out and see that big handsome Julius but he just ignored me. I saw Ray too and the first time he made a mean face at me and made scary sounds but the second time he Woo-woo’ed at me like a cow. I don’t get to play with them but sometimes Mama took me to see Bentley. She says he is my Brother-Husband because I’m going to live with him some day but we won’t make babies together. I like Bentley because he licks my ears and one day he sent me a blankey to lie on that smelled like him. 

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Bentley and I haven’t seen each other since before I went back to the doctor for more ‘jections. I didn’t like those. I had to spend the night and got a ‘jection each day and they hurt and made me feel sad and tired again. When I went back to the Peaceabull house I only wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep but after a few days I was starting to feel like my normal self again.

 

The whole time I’ve been here the really nice people have been coming to visit me each week. Foster Mama calls them “My Parents.” She says they’ve been waiting for all of the wormys to go away so that they can adopt me and take me to live with Bentley. They are so nice and I always know when they are coming. I sit and watch the street and when I see their car I get so happy because they bring me treats and give me lots of pets and one day they even brought me a brand new fluffy pink blanket. Brand new! I was so excited to have something of my very own that was so soft and cuddly that I immediately showed how much I loved it by beginning to shred it like I do with all my stuffies. I thought for a minute I was going to get in trouble but they just laughed and let me play. I sleep with that blankie every night. It means a lot to me because when I was homeless I didn’t have anything that belonged just to me. I had a hand me down collar and a rope for a leash. 

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I didn’t even have a name of my own, because on my paperwork I was called Princess 2. But foster Mama says that is all going to change. I have my own name and after something called One More Sleep, I’ll have my very own home.

Bryn Moves In

It’s no secret to Facebookers that Bryn obviously lasted here past her ‘trial period,’ though it has been a bit rocky.  The first night we were so worried about all of the variables that we broke our own cardinal rule and Bryn slept in the guest room with Kevin.  He is a light sleeper and we figured that would be a better way to gauge her manners but we knew that wouldn’t last because of the amount of traveling Kevin does would necessitate a better plan.

A Rough Start

The second night it was just me and all of the four legged creatures in the house and I’d say it was eventful.  The Princess was not so much about the crate.  She busted out of a wire crate, (easy peasy for pretty much any pittie) an airliner, a tension gate and a stand up gate.  

I actually found her standing in the living room after this…actually, Julius and I found her there.  Luckily he was pretty neutral about the whole affair and she was close enough to the door that I just had to push her out. No kitties were eaten during this foray, so we figured out finally that while she was averse to confinement in one sense, she was perfectly content to dwell in her room with the door closed and thus we found a way for Bryn to live with us Peaceabully.

To say it’s been a challenge is putting it mildly.  Her prey drive is such that just to potty her, we gather the cats, put one behind closed doors because he will walk right up to her and shoo the other one, put my boys behind a gate, cover low windows where she may see a cat and proceed from there.  Every. Single. Time.

Decompressing

The upside is that as the days and weeks rolled on, her sweet spirit emerged.  She plays with toys, she wallows in the sun and has the biggest smile ever.  Heartworm treatment is never easy but I guess considering she is crated and rotated out of her very own guest suite, she is feeling pretty happy.


After all, she gets her own daybed with doggie stairs, my Amazon Echo, (as did Margeaux) and room service.

The Best Is Yet To Be

Very early in her stay with us, I had her at one of our adoption events, being handled by a “lucky charm” volunteer and wouldn’t you know; this woebegone dog who splayed out on the floor in the back of the action found herself a family to love her.  They spent time petting and loving on her as I told them the good, bad, and ugly of what I knew so far, what I had been told and what I had yet to verify. Not to be deterred, they filled out an application and after they were approved I set up a time for a meet and greet.

Bentley and Bryn

Meet and greet number one turned out to be great.  It may have been love at first sight, but due to the heartworms and presence of reproductive organs, the plan was to take it very slow and do multiple intros.  We’ve parallel walked, we’ve played on leash a bit and while Bentley is obsessed with Bryn’s ears, she seems so steady with him.  Unflappable is the word I would use to best describe Bryn. She is unflappable.

Bryn with her sugargface brother to be

Her family has been eager and yet patient, visiting Bryn, bringing her thing to let her know she is loved already and have spent time with her each week.  As much as I can tell that she is happy here, I’m excited about how much better her life is going to get and she doesn’t even know it yet…